Much Too Much
by DarkBeerAngel
Summary: Reno and Elena had been annoying Rufus. Finished.
1. Much Too Much

Disclaimer- I don't own FF7 or any of the charecters. SquareSoft does. I don't own Tabasco sauce either.  
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All month Reno and Elena had been waging their superficial war on each other and any other haphazard employee that managed to end up between them. It had been getting worse over the last few days. The previous day Elena had put Tabasco sauce in Reno's coffee. Today was the last straw. This morning Reno had, in return, a dump truck pile a metric ton of Chocobo manure on Elena's convertible. Rufus had enough. He had to figure something out to separate Reno and Elena... They were giving the company a bad image and he would not stand for it. So tonight, he would call a special meeting, just focusing on two youngest Turks. A meeting to decide which one would be leaving.

The meeting was held after hours, with just the executives participating. Rufus started the meeting and presented the problem. "I'm open to ideas," he stated afterward and sat down. Scarlet stood up and smiled. "I know just the thing," she started, and gave everyone her infamous "Kya-ha-ha!" Rufus cringed. "And... what per say did you have in mind," the young president asked. Scarlet walked over and whispered something in his ear, and he stood up. "That is an excellent idea Scarlet.  
And if nobody else has any ideas..." Rufus trailed off waiting for any reply. "Good, then that is what I will do. Thank you and here's a gil for your time," he dropped the change in front of her feet and left to his office, to his phone.

About the same time Rufus was picking up his telephone, on the other side of town Reno was arriving home from work, struggling between a case of Turks Light beer, a bag of groceries, and his keys. Any normal person would have just set the stuff down, but not Reno. To top is off he was gripping a Midgar Burger fast food bag in his teeth and standing with one knee up under the grocery bag trying to keep it all from falling. After a few minutes of shifting and struggling, he did get the door open and as soon as he kicked it closed, the bag ripped. "Just my luck," he thought to himself and sighed. At least it was Friday. He ripped a beer from it's box and continued to the couch, pausing to take the food bag from his teeth and extract one of his fries.

Back in Rufus's office, he was setting the phone back into place. "This will be too easy," he thought. "As long as he's at home and not in some scummy bar in who-knows-where..."

"Midgar Burger I love to eat, Midgar Burger it's such a treat, Midgar Burger makes me wanna dance, Midgar Burger ain't in my pants," Reno sang loudly as he ate his dinner, dancing around the small living room and spewing beer and burger bits all over the carpet as he went. He paused for a moment, thinking of the next line and taking the last beer from it's box. He opened the beer and took a drink, suddenly coming up with the next line. "Midgar Burger gives me such luck, Midgar Burger makes me wanna F..." A sharp knocking at the door cut Reno off from his enthusiastic singing and he spun around to look out the peek hole. It was Elena.

"What does she want," he thought to himself. "Whaddaya want," he screamed through the door, hoping she'd leave. "I brought you a bottle of rum," she screamed back. "Rufus said it's your birthday!" He swung the door open and ushered her inside. "You remembered," he screamed at her face, hugging her tight. She wasn't quite sure why he was screaming, so she screamed back "Happy birthday!" "Yay," he screamed back, never the less enthusiastic. He let go and disappeared for a moment, then came back with two shot glasses and the biggest grin ever. Elena backed up towards the door. "We're gonna play strip shots then," he screamed. "And I win!" Tuning a brighter shade of red than Reno's hair, Elena quickly ran out of the building, never looking back. Reno stood at the door and screamed "Happy birthday anyway," and closed the door.

One of his neighbors shouted something at him, but he didn't care. He threw one of the shot glasses back towards the kitchen, never minding the breaking of the glass, and sat down with his newest alcohol. He smiled as he opened the bottle and laughed as he watched some spill over onto the rug. "Elena bought me booze," he giggled loudly to himself. "I like that girl... she's all right..." he fell over and just stayed there, laughing, remembering his song of earlier. "I gotta ask Elena to Midgar Burger with me tomorrow..."

A/N-

Turk Light is one of Reno's attacks on FF7, and it sounded like an awesome name for a Shinra - Company owned beer.

Midgar Burger was inspired By Mc Donalds, which I was eating as I wrote this. That is not their official slogan, that was purely Reno in all his drunken glory. Go Reno!


	2. Pointless

Disclaimer : I don't own any FF7 charecters. Or Blink 182. They can keep their songs, All the Small Things and Whats My Age Again. Reno kinda ruined them. Jagermeister is owned by... some people in Germany, I think. 

This chapter is kinda short and pointless, boarder-lining songfic. The next one will be better, don't worry, it's leading up to something.

Chapter 2 - Pointless

"Monday morning. Back to work. My Boss, is a jerk. I am, a Turk. Who likes, to furk. Say it ain't so, I will not go, Rufus is there, so why should I go." Reno sang to himself rather loudly on the elevator. It was way past noon, and he was supposed to clock in at nine. He really didn't care that some of the other employees were staring at him. He just sang louder, switching his tune a bit as he noticed a young secretary staring at him. "I saw your face, I think last Friday night, on the ground, in my headlights, you know I want you dead, I wanna skwish your head, I wanna kill you till your dead..." The door dinged and he stepped out, never missing a beat as he kept humming his tune, leaving the shaken secretary behind him. He strolled down the hallway, slapping a few female workers on the ass as he went.

Hearing Reno had arrived, Rufus stood outside his office, waiting to see what Elena had in store for him. He watched in shock as Reno walked over to his cubicle and popped his favorite cd in his computer drive, slip on his headphones, and start humming a new song. Rufus looked over to Elena's cubicle, across the hall, and sighed as he watched her stand up and walk straight to Reno's desk. She placed an envelope on his desk then went back to her work. "What could she possibly..." Rufus thought to himself, watching Reno open the envelope. It was a card.

Reno stared blankly at the folded paper. His birthday wasn't for seven more months. Oh well, he thought, and got up to clock out early. "Stress is a killer," he stated to Rufus, who was still standing there. Rufus had a feeling Reno was up to no good, so he followed him. All the way home. Why Reno never notcied he was being stalked by the white clad blonde was definately beyond Rufus. What puzzled him more was when Reno invited him in for Jager Bombs. Rufus refused and left, a migrane coming on. There was nothing worse than Reno and Elena not fighting, because that meant something bad was going to happen.


	3. Lessons in Seagulling

Even if I did own them, what would I do with them? 

Chapter 3 - Lessons in Seagulling

Three times Reno called Elena, and three times she hung up on him. On the fourth time, she decided he wasn't going to give up, so she'd listen. "Hey, you!" he said, an accomplished tone to his voice. "I knew you were home!" She sighed. "What do you want Reno," she grew impatient. She had no desire to talk to him. "I, I want you to, to... uh... Oh yeah! I, I want you to come over here," he finally stuttered out. Oh great, she thought. He's drunk again. "And why should I, after yesterday," she asked, matter-of-factly. "Cuz I, uh... I got something to show you," he said. She sniffed. "I think you already showed me everything I needed to know..." she trailed off, smiling to herself. "Not that," he giggled. "Something else, silly. Come see." She sighed loudly. "Whatever." She hung up and walked over to put her shoes on, in disbelief she was actually going.

When she got to Reno's apartment building, she noticed something very wrong. There was bird poop everywhere. "What in the world..." she was saying outloud when all of a sudden she heard her not-so-favorite redhead yell out " Look out below!" Elena ducked under the awning just in time to be missed by the world's largest water balloon filled with white paint, which splattered all over some unexpecting old man. Why he didn't move was beyond her. She quickly made her way up to Reno's apartment to figure out the question of "Why."

When she walked through the door, she was relieved that he was fully clothed this time. Still in his Turk suit, actually, minus the jacket. With his usually missing tie wrapped around his head like a head band. "Hey, you, c'mere, you gotta try this," he said excitedly. "What in the world do you thing you're doing," she asked, a bit concerned. "I'm waging war with the army ants," he said proudly before tossing another balloon off his seventh floor balcony. "I see," Elena said, looking around his apartment, which was littered with beer cans, cigarette butts, and paint jugs. "Here, try one," he offered, pushing at a newly made bomb her way. She stepped back. "No, I don't think so..." He gave her THE LOOK and she accepted. And face it, when Reno Miller gives you THE LOOK, you do whatever he says. She reluctantly took the balloon, and he triumphantly smiled. "Now," he started, lighting up a cigarette, "The first thing to Seagulling is aim. It's all about aim. Don't aim for anything, just give it a good toss and hope it hits something. He took a deep drag an laughed. She stared at him blankly. "But Reno, you just said..." He cut her off. "Nevermind what I said, just give it the heave ho." She did as he told, and heard a female scream below. Reno was laughing his ass off, almost falling off the barstool he was perched on. Elena looked over in horror as she saw Scarlet aiming her gun to the sky and shooting at the flock of non-exixtent birds that seemed to have picked her as target. Elena thought they were dead when Scarlet looked up and saw them, but instead she waved. Elena and Reno both waved back. "Shitty weather were having today, hunh," Reno yelled to her, and she laughed, walking off.

After watching Reno toss about 30 more balloons and twice as many unsuspecting victims, Elena decided she had enough. "I've had fun, but I'm going home," she told him. "Aww, but I thought we were having fun," he whined. "I didn't say I wasn't having fun," she backed, "But I'm going home to have dinner." Reno's eyes lit up. Elena knew this was not good. "Hey, yeah, I got a good idea," he practically screamed. Elena cringed. "And what would that be," she asked, partially not wanting to know. "I say, why don't we both go to Midgar Burger together? I'll pay." Elena smiled. Did Reno just ask her on a date?

A/N

Seagulling- Have you ever been at the beach and had a swarm of seagulls fly over you, barely missing you? Or even marking you?  
It's one of my worst fears, and one of Reno's favorite games.


	4. Attack of the Killer Fries

Nope, still don't own them.

Attack of the Killer Fries

It was just past midnight when Reno and Elena arived at Midgar Burger. They had gotten lost in the woods and Reno had to help Elena out of her clothes... Wait, there are no woods in Midgar! (Reno turns towards the screen and blushes, grinning wildly with one eyebrow raised.) They spent most of the night finding all of their clothes and trying to figure out whose belonged to who, and getting them back on. Somehow Elena ended up wearing Reno's boxers, and, well, he wouldn't say if he had found her thong or not. Anyway, after they found their way out of the woods, they were both starving.

About the same time they had exited the woods, Rufus had came out of the closet, to say. He was feeling like getting a cheeseburger, but the harsh, cold air of the night forced him to put on his usual daily outfit of thermal underwear, sweats, trousers, bullet-proof vest, sweater, jacket, and overcoat. He was never quite sure why he had to wear so much clothing, but it just didn't feel right anymore to leave everything in the closet when he left. So, he left his mansion and got onto his quad, destined for food. Four-bying through town, he saw the most distubing site. Scarlet and Cloud, standing by the side of the road waving obscene and suggestive signs. That wasn't the disturbing part. The worst was that Cloud was dressed like a... Scarlet. Upon seeing that, he turned sharply towards the other way, only to see Reno and Elena coming out of the woods. He parked his quad and followed them, wondering why they were covered in what appeared to be white paint and pine needles.

Anyway, Reno and Elena ordered their food at the bar (Yes, Midgar Burger has a full bar, along with the resteraunt) and Rufus took a seat at a corner booth, close enough to hear their conversation but far enoguh away they didn't recognize him. To Rufus's surprise, Reno hugged his beer mug and started singing. "Beer, beer, glorious beer, I want more beer, put it right here! Beer, beer, Ice cold beer, if you'd please, come on now, don't you tease. Hurry up, no more lies, come on now and gimme some fries!" Reno went to put his arm around Elena and fell off his stool. Elena laughed and threw some fries at him, and he screamed. "The fries! They're attacking me! They're gonna kill me!" Elena laughed harder, knocking their beers onto the floor on accident and throwing more fries at him. This provoked Reno to stage a full out act, at which he rolled around on the floor, acting like the lard-saturated potato sticks were injuring him.

Rufus stared at Reno through the bottom a cheeseburger wrapper, fully saturated with mayonaise to the point of being as clear as a window. Whatever the redeaded turk had in mind was beyond Rufus at this point, as he ordered his third bacon and chili triplestack cheeseburger.

Elena, not sure what to think anymore, if she had known in the first place, went over and sat down next to Rufus and started eating his fries. "HEY," he objected, pulling his food towards himself. "HEY," Elena said yelled back, obviously enibriated, and smacked his ice tea off the table and stormed off. Now Rufus had no idea what to think, as Elena walked back over to help Reno up.

Just then Squall Leonheart, with Yuna on one arm, Rikku on the other, and Paine not too far behind, walked in the door. Now, Rufus was really confused, he knew these people weren't from his game. It would be a good trade-off though, he thought to himself. Squall would make a good Turk, and Reno could have the girls... Rufus smirked to himself, he just figured out how to get rid of Reno. 

That was, until Squall jumped up onto the kareoke stage and started singing "Ring of Fire," with the girls effectively casting Fire 3 All on everyone.

Rufus gave up and left after his cheeseburger burst into flames. He decided it would be better to let Reno drink on the job while using a blowtorch than replace him with that... "What is a Squall, anyway," Rufus asked Reno as he and Elena helped him out. Reno thought for a moment. "A very big wind," Reno replied, somewhat miffed. Elena giggled. "It's a fart! Squall is a..." Elena ran off and hurled into the hedges along the building, obviously having drank too much. Rufus joined her momentarily, leaving Reno sitting in the middle of the parking lot, laughing like a loon.

"Hey! I just thought of something, guys! Guys""  
"Hmm. And I thought I was the weird one..."

A/N Yeah, it's finished. Sorry it took so long, but alot of stuff keeps coming up, and I'm away from my computer far too much. 


End file.
